As a young mom, I found myself in a similar spot as others on many Tuesday mornings: in the grocery store with a four year old, two year old, one year old, and an infant. Now, maybe everyone is not as crazy as me. But, even sometimes with just one kid in the cart or a toddler trailing behind, the same scenario plays out. We all know it. Someone else has an idea of how you could be doing something better. Occasionally it is harsh or snarky, but often times it is just a gentle reminder of how we are coming up short. As if we weren't already aware of our shortcomings. And, it creates this feeling in us that we are all alone, that no one understands, that everyone is against us.
I remember this one moment. I was on the chip aisle, and an older man walked up to me. His words surprised me: "I know you are working so hard, but you must be having lots of fun too!" Whew! Yes! That's it. You really saw me. You are for me. We are going to be okay. Sometimes as parents we can lose sight of what we are trying to do because of the daily grind. But, on those same days a simple statement from someone we don't know can change our entire perspective or help us feel not alone. It is so uplifting to know someone is for us. Now, just think about what can happen if those "someones" who are for us are actually all around us and we take the time to see them.
And, what if we could leverage those "someones" to change the way our family operates, to let them in on the imperfection, the chaos, the normal. What if we came out of hiding and let others see us and invest in us and help us with our ultimate job. For our family this means raising adults who love God and love people. We aren't just trying to keep them alive. We aren't trying to make sure they get a good job. We don't just want them to behave. We want them to think and learn and live a full life by understanding the goodness of a God who sent Jesus for them. Your objective may be different, but I still think the following principle can benefit your family: WIDEN THE CIRCLE
I learned about widening the circle when I read Parenting Beyond Your Capacity by Reggie Joiner & Carey Nieuwhof. Widening the circle simply means Pursuing strategic relationships for your son or daughter. I truly believe my children need more than just me as they learn about who God is and what it means to follow Him. When I think back on my life, I can name five to seven adults who played very significant roles in my life outside of my parents. I am not trying to relinquish my role as the primary discipler in the lives of my kids, but rather realize that a village of people being for our family and for my kids could be the missing piece. I want other adults telling my kids the same things I'm telling them or maybe even sharing a unique perspective that connects with my child that I am missing or cannot relate to.
So, here are the four simple steps we take as a family to widen the circle:
Realize that we shouldn't parent alone. There are so many people who are private. I even understand why. And, discretion at a certain level is definitely appreciated by most. But, when we keep our family to ourselves and just deal with our problems, we miss out on the opportunities to experience other people caring for us, coming through for us, standing with us, being for us. And, it is difficult for others to do that if we don't create spaces for them to know us, to invite them in. We are going to have to be vulnerable, to let our flaws show a bit so that others can help fill in the gaps and truly make a difference.
Find a church that cares about the next generation At church, we want to be somewhere that is intentional about placing adults (or teenagers for my younger kids) in the lives of our kids. Buck's goal as a family pastor in fact, is for kids to be able to name five adults who invested in them as thew grew up. It's what we want for our kids. We want people to be present, to show up over and over again, to really know our kids and care about them. For so many, the small group leader represents church. Janelle has been church to Peyton. Jayce has been church for Addison. Mike has been church to Tatum. Leslie has been church to Ryker. I could name others. But, it has been so important for my kids to have people show up for them who love God and love my kids. They are giving my kids a clear picture of what it means for God to love them and want a relationship with them. So, are you a part of a church that is being intentional to give you people instead of programs? Do you know who knows your child?
Partner with those already in the life of your child. For our family this happens in two arenas: church/spiritual growth and everywhere else (school, sports, family, neighborhood, etc). First, returning to the small group leaders mentioned above. If I want them to really know my child, there are two things I can do. First, I can show up on a regular basis. Secondly, I can share with their small group leader about what's going on at home, what our struggles are, and the faith questions my kids are asking. This is very similar to how we widen the circle outside of our faith community as well. My kids actually have adults in their lives all the time through school and sports and parents in our neighborhood. But, these relationships can have a greater impact if I am willing to partner with them. This could mean showing up and supporting them. This could mean being the parent who offers to bring snacks or host the team at our home. When I show up and let others know that I care about how they are investing in my kid, it only has positive consequences. Sometimes they lean in closer because they know what's going on in the life of your family. Sometimes a quicker or healthier solution is determined because a relationship actually exists. I can think of time after time where it mattered that I really knew and cared about the people who were investing in my kids. So, bridge the gap by getting to know them, showing up, and supporting those who are loving your kids.
Invite people into the life of your child. This piece takes a little more effort, and it is sometimes simply an extension of the previous steps in widening the circle. Who has a connection with your child? Who has something to offer your child? Sometimes as parents, we need to go out and force some things to happen on behalf of our kids. I hope we will do more of this as our kids get older, but for this summer I just kept it simple. I sent an email to three women in our church to see if they would be interested in hanging with one of my girls this summer--three women, three daughters:
Thanks so much for loving my kiddos & our family! I was wondering if you would be interested in hanging with Peyton one day this summer...you can do whatever sounds fun & also talk to her about your relationship with Jesus and what He is teaching you and what it means for you to follow Him!
Let me know if you are interested!
It is only one day. But, I'd like to think these days will become something our kids look forward to and that one day they will look back on a few moments from these days and realize how pivotal they were in their walks with Jesus. It is absolutely okay to ask others to join you on the adventure of parenting!
Widening the circle may look different for each family, but I think this is something we can all do. We are always tweaking and evaluating what is working for our family. Who is for you? Who sees you? Who is around and cares about who your kids are becoming?
And, if someone widens their circle and invites you in, go for it! You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to have all the answers. You just need to show up in the life of a kid or teenager and love them.
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