Will I Ever Wear a White Shirt Again?

Everyone Isn't a Bully...

I was sitting around the dining room table with my three girls. Heart stickers everywhere. Scissors. Glue. Class lists. It was valentine making season again. My oldest was making very specific valentines for each classmate--favorite colors, nicknames, etc. My youngest was cutting out pictures of their faces and using way too much glue. Then there is my middle daughter, my compassionate daughter, the one who is patient and loves well. All of her valentines were precise. Each child's name lined up the same way with letter stickers, a large heart sticker, and then a small heart sticker and her name. Except for one.

It was Joseph's (name changed) valentine. "Why is Joseph's valentine different?" I asked. She responded. She talked about how he was mean to everyone every day.

Then my oldest asked the question she has been trained to ask. Is he a bully? Our school does a great job of talking about the seriousness of bullying and reality of bullying. Our school does not want kids who are bullied to think there is no way out. Our school takes seriously the treatment of other kids. But, what our school does not do is talk to our kids about Jesus, and how fragile our hearts can be, and how we must love because Jesus first loved us. It isn't their job. It is my job.

Addison responded to Peyton's question. Now, you must understand. Addison is our child who sees the heart of people long before most of us. So, her response was completely who God has made her to be.

"I'm not sure he knows how to love anybody." -- my six year old said that out loud.

I don't actually have to create most of the opportunities to have discussions about BIG ideas. My kids create those opportunities as they live. I just have to be paying attention when the opportunities arise!

We spent the next few minutes talking about how kids who don't have someone loving them may have a more difficult time loving other people. We talked about the orphans who will be joining our family soon, about how they may have lived a long time without the kind of love my kids have grown up with. My youngest daughter joined in: "Some kids may not know how to give hugs because they don't get hugs. I get a lot of hugs!" We brainstormed about how to love the kids in their classes who may not get a lot of love at home. We talked about kids who may not ever have anyone to play with at recess. I listened as my kids told me stories of kids who may simply need to be seen by someone who is willing to step out and love like Jesus loved.

The conversation didn't change the heart that went on Joseph's valentine. But, it did give us an opportunity to talk about how Jesus wants us to see other people and love other people. For God loved the world so much that He sent His son. And His Son, Jesus, taught us so much about seeing others. And loving others. And, then He gave up His life for me. So that I could live, and see, and love like Him!

I get it. Hurt people, hurt people. And, I don't want my kids to be bullied. And, I want them to know how to deal with bullying in the right way. But, what if my kids can be the one who loves when it would be easier to be hurt. What if my kids stand up to bullying by turning the tables upside down and seeing past the bullying and meanness, to see them how Jesus sees them.

What holds me back from living this way? I was challenged by the conversation with my young kids. What do I see or not see in the people around me? What am I missing that Jesus would see? How can I love more intentionally?

I went to recess...

Do you remember recess? It's been years since I went to recess. Until Monday. On Monday, I went to recess while volunteering in Addison's 4K class.

Do you remember what happens at recess?

Well, I saw it on Monday. Some kids fit right in. Some don't. Some kids choose to play alone. Others don't. Some kids choose to play with the crowd, but never feel a part of the crowd.

I saw it on their faces.

As I was sitting there building a sand castle with Addison while desperately trying to not get sand in my jeans and TOMS, I saw it on their faces.

I saw Natalie. She was playing in the sand fifteen feet from us. Then Addison saw Natalie. She invited her to build with us. I wish I could show you a picture of Natalie's face at that moment. She did not stop smiling or talking the rest of recess as we collected sticks and rocks to decorate our castle. She was in heaven in the sand. She almost made me want to roll around in the sand. Because of a simple invitation, recess went from lonely to fun.

I saw another girl. She was walking around looking at everyone. She was curious. Now, who really knows what's going on in the mind of four year olds. But, I thought, "Has anyone ever asked her to play?"

I saw the girl who ran up to me as though we had been best buds for years. She was in a higher grade. She immediately began telling me all about the playground, the soccer field, where the best sand was, and how to get a frisbee. She invited me to come play with her friends...or at the least the group she ran up to and began giving instructions to.

I saw the boy who asked for three frisbees before someone shared. He wasn't a bully. He just wanted to play.

I saw flashbacks of Peyton in kindergarten last year. "I hate recess." My girl who loved everything about school hated recess. She was afraid. All of our fears can come true at recess. Rejection. Lonliness. Failure. Physical Activity. Unmonitored conversation.

As I walked away on Monday, I thought, "I am so glad I got to go to recess". And, I decided two things:

I am glad my kids have recess. What life skills would they be missing out on learning without recess? In that 15-20 minutes, kids have the opportunity to engage in so much. They have the opportunity to make wise choices and poor choices. They have the opportunity to work through conflict. They have the opportunity to grow in the midst of their fears. They have the opportunity to be selfless or selfish.

I must teach my kids to look up. How can I teach my kids to love other kids at recess? What an opportunity our kids have to love--everywhere they go--but, at recess, with no rules of engagement, no forced inclusion, the opportunities to love are endless; the opportunities to see someone and include someone are endless. If my kids can learn to love at recess, they could change the life of someone else. And, they will fully enjoy the experience [recess] themselves.

As I walked in, I became even more thankful for the teachers and other staff and volunteers who love our kids each day, who show no bias as they teach and challenge and push our kids to treat others well! They amaze me--their patience, their diligence, and their intentionality to love and teach our kids to love.

If we, as parents, are willing to partner with our schools and partner with our teachers...maybe we can change recess for a few kids, maybe we can change forever for a few kids.

Surviving the Preschool Years: Part 2

Here's a glimpse at our family calendar...or at least part of it:
Monday -- Date Night
Monday -- PTO Meeting (Date night before or after-- or change it to another night)
Monday -- Date Night
Monday -- Date Night
Monday -- Date Night (babysitter cancelled -- hubby picks up steaks, baked potatoes, bottled root beer, and flowers)

I am pretty sure I could not survive the preschool years without enjoying my husband and having so much quality time with him. I know so many people who have been married for years and never been on a date or never been away for a weekend without their kids. I know all of the excuses. I have heard them. I have talked with many people about them. I know you don't have enough money or time. I hear all the time about how couples cannot afford to date. We like to say, "We cannot afford NOT to date!!!"

I guess this actually goes back to our premise of "surviving the preschool years". We all know there are days we are simply trying to survive. We also know that we don't want to lose these years, these precious moments, or our minds. In order to thrive during these years, we must continue to invest in our marriage, to work on it, to love our spouse well. My hubby is so good at setting the tone for this in our relationship. And, we have watched some other great couples do these things well. Here are some things that work for us:

We date on a very regular basis (almost every week). We don't have family near by to keep our kids. And, we are far from millionaires. But, we think it's really important. Sometimes we pay for childcare (a high school student or friend). Sometimes we are blessed by others who want to keep our kids. And, sometimes we swap babysitting nights with friends! Sometimes our dates are extravagant. Sometimes we grab a drink to share from Caribou and walk down by the lake. It takes up room in our budget. And, it is planned into our calendar. Also, my husband handles almost all of the details from childcare to where and what. That makes it even more fun and relaxing for me! What can you do today to date your spouse more regularly? I know you love your kids, and I know you have fun with your kids. But your spouse should come first.

We put our kids to bed early. Every night. Our kids are aged 1 to 6 and they are in bed before 8 every night. Guess what? I get my hubby all to myself after that. Some nights we just crash and watch a show or movie. Other nights we might play a game. No matter what, we can look forward to that time to connect nearly every day. It leaves time in our day for conversation and maybe even a little romance! At the very least, we get to cuddle up together and be still and hear nothing! Now, doesn't that sound nice?

Quiet.

It does sound nice.

And, it is necessary to create those moments so that you aren't always having a conversation while you are in the middle of a tickle fight or while watching Dora for the 80th time!

We still touch each other! We actually enjoy sex! During these years we are exhausted. Come on! In six years, I had two miscarriages, four kids, and nursed all of them for seven to twelve months!! There are days when I just want my body all for myself. I don't want one more kid pulling on my leg. I don't want one more ball hitting me in the face. And, are you kidding me? My husband wants to touch my body...just because he likes to? Oh my! A good friend of mine told me she tries to never tell her husband no when he wants sex. GREAT ADVICE! Try it. See how much your husband feels loved and valued. It will change your marriage. It will change the way you interact with your husband outside of the bedroom. And, I completely believe it will protect your marriage. He will give more to you and he will think about you more! I love how God created marriage in that we really are better together than separate. So, let's get together...more often. And, let's thrive during these years instead of simply surviving them!

We serve each other. Okay, so my hubby does this one much better than me. He loves me so well by doing anything from peeling the potatoes to bathtime with the kids. And, he does it all with a "happy heart". That's my preschool term for doing it without huffing and puffing! I try to clean up the counter in the kitchen because I know it helps him relax. When he asks, "How can I help?" I know he means it. He wants to show me he loves me by helping me. It never gets old. And, it never loses its luster! Come on ladies, you know how sexy it is when your husband serves you because he wants to, when he plays with the kids because he wants to!

We have fun together! And, we talk about it. And, we plan it. And, we enjoy all that goes along with having fun together! We have a goal to visit every MLB park together. Boring to some--totally fun to us! We have conversations about trips that never happen! And, we plan our routes. And, then sometimes the trips actually do happen and it's even more fun!! Having fun together in the small things and big things keeps us connected. So, whether we are planning our next trip or catch a glimpse of each other in an awkward moment and try not to laugh, we are connecting! How can you be more intentional about the fun you have together?

Finally, we stay in touch about each other's lives. There aren't secrets. We have conversations about everything. One thing that is so easy to do is have a shared calendar--there are so many tools for this! I know what's going on at work for him and he knows what's going on at home with me. I know who he's with. We can protect certain times for our family or date night or down time or whatever. We schedule in family meetings. And, sometimes we have very specific meetings about our calendar. But, we are always talking about it--and that keeps us connected.

I truly believe the best things you can give your child are a vibrant relationship between you and God & a healthy marriage! Go For It! What are you doing that helps you stay connected to your spouse during these preschool years? Let's thrive during these years and even beyond these years.

Surviving the Preschool Years: Part 1

I know, I know...we shouldn't just survive these years. We should love them. We should cherish every moment. We should enjoy these years where our kids are with us every second of the day. I've heard it all. And, I understand the heart behind the people saying these things to parents of preschoolers.

But, do you know what else I know?

The people saying these things have slept--like a whole entire night during the last week. And they probably didn't have anyone pee on their carpet, or dump cheerios all over the floor, or color all over the antique dresser either. And, maybe it has been years since they have fed a child with their own body or cut food into tiny pieces so that a sweet, young child can eat it...I mean, throw it all on the floor.

So, I am sure once you sleep for a couple of years, your body is able to recover from the tragedy of having preschoolers abuse it. And, then you are able to say with memories of bliss and harmony, "Enjoy every moment!"

But, I am absolutely exhausted. I guess all of the cashiers who seem overwhelmed by the four children under six I have with me in the store are right. They always give me that look. The one that says, "Did you mean to have that many kids that close together?" Well, you know what? I did. It's done. So, here I am living in the middle of this beautiful consequence. I am enjoying some moments, but I am not enjoying every moment.

I spend one moment rocking a child and another moment rescuing a screaming child. I spend one moment sorting socks with my four year old only to find them scattered across the floor hours later. I spend one moment reading a story only to be hit in the head with the same book moments later. I am enjoying some moments, but I am not enjoying every moment.

I spend one moment blogging about intentionality and pulling marbles from our jars to measure time. And, I spend the next moment hiding in my room wishing I could dump about 100 marbles out of the jar and skip ahead a few years. I am enjoying some moments, but I am not enjoying every moment.

I spend some moments listening to my kids pray. I listen to them tell us their hurts and fears. I listen to them share their excitement. I listen to them tell me what they are learning about God and the choices He wants them to make. And, then I spend moments crying out to God. I ask all sorts of questions: Are you sure you picked the right mom for this child? Is this really what our family is supposed to look like? What am I doing wrong? Why won't this kid listen? Why do I keep yelling at my kids?

And, then, like only my Heavenly Father can, He pulls me in. And, He holds me. And, He says, "This life you are living is not a mistake. I made you for this moment, for ALL these moments. I made you to lean on me during these moments. And, I didn't make you to enjoy every moment. But, I made you to rest in me, to trust me, and to enjoy me in every moment."

And, I respond, trusting, but a little afraid. And, we jump right back in to all of these moments.

There is hope in these years. Stay tuned for posts on how to invest in others and our marriage while we are surviving the preschool years!

I Think I'm Ready for this Adventure...

This morning I dropped our oldest daughter, Peyton, off for her first day of kindergarten. I am not sure if I was supposed to cry, but I didn't. The excitement she had took all my worries away. She is quite the little planner, and since she felt prepared, she felt confident. She is so ready for this adventure.

We went to breakfast this morning, and she absolutely blew my mind as we talked through our family values that are represented on our matching bracelets! She gave me an example of how each value might be shown or not shown in the life of a five year old! And, then, as she was talking through our last value, ADVENTURE, she said, "The God we know isn't boring! He makes life fun!" We talked about how following Jesus is a great adventure & the risks it involves are worth it because we get to have a relationship with Him. She is ready for this adventure.

We walked into her school with 700 other students (4K-3rd grade), lots of smiling teachers, and staff and came upon the kindergarten pod of her school. She skipped to her hook outside her classroom, turned for a quick pic, gave me a hug, and she was gone. She was gone into a world where she will encounter other ideas, thoughts, and ways of doing things. She was gone into a world that I cannot control. She was gone into a world of unique opportunities to influence the people around her, to introduce them to Jesus! I cannot wait to see how He uses her. She is ready for this adventure.

I am trying to be okay with the fact that someone else will see my child more waking hours than I do five days a week. I am trying to remember all of the reasons we are letting her go. I am trying to remember that she knows that God made her, God loves her, and Jesus wants to be her friend forever. And, I am praying moment by moment that God will capture her heart! I am praying that nothing of this world will grab a hold of her. I am praying that when bad things happen, when she is hurt, sad, or afraid, that she will remember that we can trust God no matter what. I am praying that she will walk the narrow road--not to be good, but to show that following hard after Jesus looks a little different, a little weird. I am praying that because of her life, others will come to know the saving grace of our great God! I think I am ready for this adventure.

Teaching Trust...and Learning Trust...

Today I was reading in 1 Samuel. God is having a conversation with Samuel and Samuel has to make a decision. His decision ultimately shows whether or not he trusts God. As I was reading, I was once again reminded that parenting is sometimes the best way to reconnect with God.

Every day I ask my kids to trust me. Sometimes it is in little things.

Peyton: "But mom, what if Tatum destroys the entire game while we are playing and rips all of the cards into tiny pieces and we can NEVER EVER play again?!?!"

Me: "Do you trust me to take care of Tatum and teach her what to do?"

Peyton: "Yes."

Problem solved.

Sometimes it is in bigger things. Sometimes it is trusting me to not let them run into harms way. Sometimes it is believing what I say about how to handle a situation or how to treat someone. Sometimes it is following through with ideas such as "guest gets the best" even when that doesn't seem like the best decision in the moment! Just think about how much we ask our kids to trust us! From birth, we are instilling our way of life, our values, our priorities into their life--wow!!

And, God asks us to trust Him in the same way my preschoolers choose to trust me, sometimes even more. He doesn't promise to tell us the whys. He doesn't promise to give us all the information. He says, "Trust Me. Completely. No matter what. I love you."

So, as I teach my kids they can trust me, I ultimately want to point them to Jesus. I want them to learn that they can trust God no matter what! I want them to be able to say yes to Him without all of the details laid out in front of them! I want them to know that I am trying to trust God as I lead them. I want them to know that He is faithful. I hope that as I learn to trust Him more, my kids will get to see a clearer picture of a God who loves them and has given so much to them!

A Conversation with God...

I have several conversations that have been ongoing with God for a while now. I have moments when these conversations flash in front of me in the dailyness of life.

One conversation in particular has been ongoing for almost five years & I am assuming it will continue. It's about being a mom. It's about being a parent. It's about being responsible for discipling another human being.

Honestly, I am not too concerned about some parts. I think I can teach my kids to read. I think I can teach them to tie their shoes. Potty training eventually happens. I think I may even be able to get my kids to behave & respect other people. I think I might even be able to get them to "look good" on the outside.

But, I am so concerned about their little hearts!! I don't want to ever lose their hearts. I don't want their hearts to get distracted by the good things this world seems to offer. Honestly, I don't care if they do well in school, excel in sports, or have lots of friends. Yes, it is fun to see your kids do well. It's fun to cheer them on. I don't want them to be rejected. Making good choices & doing well in certain areas will provide opportunities. But, more than anything I want their hearts to be so in tune with the Holy Spirit. I am praying not only that they understand the need for the saving grace Jesus offers, but that they understand how He has designed them--what He uniquely created them to do. I hope they long to please Him first. I hope they are willing to go anywhere and do anything to proclaim His name & love a hurting world. I hope they NEVER give up on His church. I hope that whether their lives are long or short that they would be about making His name great.

I feel like the desire God has given me for my kids is not unique, but that it is often hidden in a culture that says be happy, be what you want to be, and satisfy yourself. So, I will continue my conversation with my Almighty Father. I know He will continue to show me what it looks like to care more about their hearts than their trophies. It will be hard. So many days I want to give up. I want to take the easy road. Some days I want to let the church disciple my kid--they have them for a whole hour each week. Some days I want to just worry about their behavior. Some days I want to throw grace out the window.

I cannot imagine being a parent without God guiding me. It is hard. It never stops. Every moment counts. I am glad He gives us grace. I am glad He teaches us over and over again. I am glad He will never give up on me!

I am so glad He continues conversations with us. I am so glad He has given us His Word. I am so glad He constantly reminds me that there is nothing in this world worth going after if He doesn't have my heart!

Hoping the "We" Turns Into "I"...

Our friends the Isbells started having kids a few years before us. We learned so much by watching & interacting with them. One thing they taught their kids was what I am calling the "we" response. For example, when asked to respond with any battle cry other than "War Eagle!" their children would simply respond with "Isbells (we) don't say that!". It's perfect. They were finding their identity in the safety of their family. As they taught their values it is "we value....". And, I have tried to follow suit as I try to teach and model our family values. And, honestly, it's pretty easy to convince them of the "we" response as a preschooler. Our little world is all they know.

Then they begin school...

Then the "we" response begins to be challenged. Our kids must ask themselves questions to determine whether or not they still want to be with "us"! There are moments when Peyton says something and I feel like a complete failure. I ask myself this ridiculous question: "Why is she not choosing to align with the values we have spent so much time instilling in her? Why is she not choosing to stick with our "we" response?" Then, God gently reminds me that I do not always choose the "we" response either. Sometimes I choose to not be disciplined, to be greedy rather than generous, to choose my way over God's way in a situation. And, yet He keeps teaching me.

Our hope in creating our family values was not for them to get it right every time, but for them to begin to move the "we" response as a child into an "I" response as a teenager and an adult. Our hope is that one day our kids will begin to say "I value generosity" or "I value God's purpose over my own"! I love how God created families. That he created a safety in families that exists no where else in society--that we can explore our world and learn our "we" responses and begin to shape who we will one day be!

So, as I watch them respond as a "we", I can have hope that they will begin to respond with "I" later in life. Maybe my kids will even say WAR EAGLE!!!

Each New Day...

Sometimes people say "There aren't enough hours in the day"...well, as a stay at home mom, I think it's just about right--I'm not really looking for more hours. Not because I can get everything done. Not because I spend enough one on one time with each child. But, every 24 hours I get the chance to start over. My kids are still pretty young. They rarely hold grudges. When they wake up, they are excited about the details of that day--yesterday is history.

(Don't we learn so much by getting to be parents? What if we woke up and spoke to God each morning like our preschoolers speak to us--with no regrets, no unforgiveness in our hearts, no lingering disappointments, but ANTICIPATION for what lies ahead?!?!)

Every morning when I wake up I get a new opportunity. I get to (if I choose) put behind the failures and successes of the previous day. I get a new chance to submit myself to the leading of the Holy Spirit. I get to make new memories dancing, laughing, baking, and cleaning the playroom together AGAIN! I get to start on the next pile of laundry. And, when I come up a little short, I can rest in the opportunity of tomorrow.

So, some days (you know they ones I'm talking about) as a mom it is simply nice to know that a new day is coming soon!